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Groceries are the new entertainment around here (health conditions in this household are making us extra cautious) So hard to come by, they really highlight the month when they do arrive leading to an afternoon of hard-scrubbing of packaging. And what a fest of unanticipated items. Firstly, what on earth is this, offered in lieu of chicken soup?

I have never seen it before, and I really do hesitate to open it. Those lumps. What if they are actually Coronavirus eggs? Is that a thing? It sounds like you might see in a BBC listing, stamped with ‘No Evidence’ which without the presumption of innocence, also does not mean, ‘No Evidence to the Contrary’.

If you know this item to be delicious, please tell me and that may get me over my resistance, or at least persuade my husband to open it when I’m not looking and mash it into a lasagne or something. (That’s how parents sneak veg at their children right?)

For the first time ever I have had delivery swaps on alcohol free wine and beer. Now, I know what’s going on here. Everyone’s realised we can’t drink our way out of lockdown. Social freedom is not at the bottom of the bottle etc, etc and so they are trying to trick themselves out of alcohol by buying the alcohol fee. They’re being ripped off, I’ll have you know. You’re paying no alcohol duty. Shall i tell you who does large deliveries of alchool free. Shall I..? Or shall I keep them to myself (and people who may medically need them. )?.. wouldn’t want to accidentally facilitate hundreds of people to fall of the wagon due to a lack of good alternatives… oh okay…

Failing that, get someone in the house to mash up the wine and disguise it as water.

Have you pre-ordered my novel “Helen and the Grandbees” yet? I wonder what Amazon might swap that with. A beehive, perhaps? Or a whole Helen – sporting a beehive?

Helen and the Grandbees by Alex Morrall